在最失望的时候,你经历很多次坐在床头,觉得该有些什么如牵挂什么的,最后又失望的什么也没有的吧。[Mar 21st,13]

她有“一张俊俏的脸蛋,只是因病而略显得消瘦,但很精神。她那双睫毛很长的深色大眼睛闪耀着调皮的神情。”

Lise是天真的——“她发现阿辽沙在她面前十分腼腆,总是尽可能不对她瞧,她觉得这实在是太逗了。于是她便聚精会神地等着捕捉阿辽沙的视线。阿辽沙顶不住她死死盯着自己的目光,在一股不可抗拒的力量驱使下隔一阵子就情不自禁地向她瞥上一眼,而Lise马上会冲他露出得意的笑容。于是阿辽沙更觉得难为情,更加心烦意乱。最后阿辽沙索性转身不再面朝着她,而是躲到长老背后去了。几分钟后,他还是被那股不可抗拒的力量所吸引,又转过脸去瞧瞧别人是否在注视他,只见Lise几乎探身到椅外从侧面盯着他,一心一意等阿辽沙朝她那边张望。捕捉到他的视线后,纵声大笑。”

长老问Lise为什么这样捉弄阿廖沙,她出人意料地一下子涨红了脸,双眸一闪,面部表情变得异常严肃,她突然用愤激的口吻振振有词地抱怨起来,语调很快,似乎有些神经质般地说:

“可他为什么把过去的事全忘了?我小时候他抱过我,我跟他一起玩儿来着。他还上我家来教过我书,这您知道吗?两年前他来辞行的时候,说他决不会忘记我们是永久的朋友,永久的,永久的!而现在他忽然怕起我来了,莫非我会吃了他不成?干吗他不愿接近我?干吗他不跟我说话?干吗他不肯去我们家?难道是您不让?可我们明明知道别处他哪儿都去。我不便请他来,他如果没有忘记的话,应该首先想到。偏偏他就是想不着,他如今是在修道啦!您干吗要让他穿上这件长袍?……他跑起来会摔倒的……”

可是,等她说完,她又忍不住以手掩面笑了起来,笑得前仰后合、全身震动。

Lise14岁,就这样爱上了20岁的阿廖沙。

她给阿廖沙写情书,这样说:“有人说纸不会脸红,请您相信我,这不是真话,这纸和此刻的我一样也在脸红。”

那日,他们在房间里表白~~

“听着,阿辽沙,我们先别忙着接吻,因为你我还不善于这样做,而且我们还得等上很久,”她断然道,“还是说说,您这样聪明,这样有头脑,这样有眼力,为何要我这样的傻瓜,一个有病的傻女孩?啊,阿辽沙,我简直说不出有多么幸福,因为我根本配不上您!”

“配得上,Lise。我在这几天之内就要完全离开修道院。进入世俗社会后必须结婚,这我知道。长老也是这样叮嘱我的。我能娶到什么人会比您更好?……除了您,又有谁能要我呢?这我已经反复考虑过了。首先,您从小就认识我;其次,您有许多我完全没有的才能。您的性格比我开朗;很重要的一点是您比我纯洁,我已经接触过许许多多世 事……唉,这些您都不知道,但我也是个卡拉马佐夫!您爱笑,爱闹着玩儿,也拿我开心——这又算得了什么?相反,您尽管笑,我喜欢您笑……您笑的模样像个小女孩,可是您思考的方式却像一位悲天悯人的圣贤……
········
“除了这一切以外,我的朋友此刻正在离去,这位世上第一人正在告别人间。您要是知道就好了,Lise,我和这个人是何等心灵相连、息息相关的,您要是知道就好了!往后只剩下我一个人了……我会来看您的,……今后我们将在一起……”

“对,在一起,在一起!从今以后我们将终生在一起。听着,亲我一下,我允许。”

阿辽沙吻了她。


《卡拉马佐夫兄弟》陀思妥耶夫斯基(俄)著,荣如德译。

前几天的日记(《向你和天空靠近》),原是想写读书笔记的,后来不知写着写着就发牢骚去了,不知成撒了。在这个之前,很久没有写过读书笔记,笔记上无非抄一些书里的话,到后来连自己也不知道是什么意思。读来读去,断断续续的,觉得越来越像吃饭拉尿,平平淡淡,读过后心里还是空荡荡的。最后和没读一样陷落在生活的虚空里。
读书的目的本来就不是读书的,苗炜在其搜狐的博客里说借卡夫卡的话说,“我们比较容易从生活中制造许多许多书,而从书里则引不出多少生活。”如果读书变成了例行的公事,读书也就没有必要了,这样读只会让自己变成一个掉书袋的自大的傻冒,某某云云,然是撒子哟?
南昌二月中旬开始下雨,密密个不停,一直下到三月的下旬。生活有时无趣,下雨就更无趣了,整天呆在宿舍里,密闭的空间,阴暗的光,重复地没完没了的雨声,整个人就像吃了抗躁狂症药物,抑郁的。有一天,去图书馆(很久没去,很久>3Months),想去借几本专业上的书。打着伞出去,路上发现,原来下雨时天空有时也很明亮。在图书馆里没有找到想要的书,或突然不想找了,就在文学区停下来了,拿了一本陈忠实的《白鹿原》看了半个上午。后来晚上,同学睡了,我在床上点着灯,继续读这部小说。窗外还是下雨,读地入神,当时就觉得这样的情景很有味道。雨夜读小说,很能意淫的情调。第二天,又去图书馆,还了《白鹿原》(只读完1/3,作者很踏实,但觉得似乎可以猜透作者的意图了,就没了兴趣),借了几本名著,莎氏的悲喜剧,陀氏的《卡拉马佐夫兄弟》,托氏的《复活》和《卡列宁那》,还有毛姆的《人生的枷锁》。说起名著,我觉得十分惭愧,没读过几本。虽说不想掉书袋子,可是这些大部头没读,妄谈读书,确也悲哀!

于是,三月份读小说。

当然,速度很慢,出奇的慢。就这本《卡拉马佐夫兄弟》来说才读完一半。
还是只有在晚上才有时间读一会儿,点灯下雨。或在实验室,抽空隙坐下来读读,但极少。有时候,风从窗外吹进来,吹到后脑勺,窗外那颗树摇动起来,还是去年那棵,读着小说,头脑也有着被晃的感觉。
陀思妥耶夫斯基于我来说是一个大问题,不敢谈,更谈不来。写这个之前,去搜了搜相关信息,看到黑塞说,对于陀氏“大凡明智和审慎的话都已经说尽了。可是,那些话虽然曾经使人感到新颖而充满智慧,却已经又成为陈词滥调了。”我不了解那些那些明智和审慎的话是什么,我也怀疑自己是否在舒适的环境下“从幽灵世界中获得一种惬意的恐怖”,而算不上“陀思妥耶夫斯基的真正读者”。关于陀氏的理论并不是我想触及的,如果他是大海,我就在海边抓几把沙子,不过并不是惬意的满足,我也会感受到那种贫苦的恐惧,切身的人生的哀伤。
我想,谈读这部《卡拉马佐夫兄弟》的感受,已经超出了我的能力范围。陀氏的文字狂乱,读着令人颤抖。但是颤抖的地方太多,不然我就可以抓住某一个点来。他的文字不是销魂,而是将人置入某个灰暗平静的情境,感受到悲苦,让灵魂越来越明显,孤零零的可怜。我没有能力复述书里苦难的描述,也不能表达出那种灵魂的震颤。

下面,我只能抄抄里面的话,讲讲自己的感受。

比如说,第三卷第六章里描述斯乜尔加科夫(他由卡拉马佐夫家所在城镇的一个流浪女人生的,那女人在他出生后就死了,老卡拉马佐夫的仆人格里果里觉得他可怜,就收养了他。长大后留在卡拉马佐夫家给老卡拉马佐夫当仆人)的一段话,这段话谈到斯乜尔加科夫喜欢默想(一种“既非深思,亦无熟虑”的默想),抄写如下:

“画家克拉姆斯科伊有一副出色的画,标题叫做《默想者》。画的是冬日的森林,林中路上孤零零地站着一个农夫,上身穿着长长的破小褂,脚下是树皮编的鞋,他在无比深沉的孤寂中迷了路,于是站在那儿,似乎陷入了沉思。但他并无所思,而是在‘默想’。如果有人推他一下,他会猛然一震,如梦初醒般瞧着你,但是什么也不明白。诚然,他随即就会定下神来,可是要是问他站在这儿想什么来着,他肯定什么都不记得了,然而他一定会把刚才默想时笼罩自己的那份印象在心中藏起来。这些印象对他来说弥足珍贵,他一定会悄悄地,甚至无意识地积攒起来——至于理由何在,目的何在,他当然也不知道。或许把多年的印象积攒够了,有朝一日他会撇下一切,长途跋涉到耶路撒冷去自救。”
下面是这段话的英文,译者为Constance Garnett(后面抄的段落我也会把英文贴上去,译者为同一个人):
“There is a remarkable picture by the painter Kramskoy, called ‘Contemplation.’There is a forest in winter, and on a roadway through the forest, in absolute solitude, stands a peasant in a torn kaftan and barkshoes. He stands, as it were, lost in thought. Yet he is not thinking; he is ‘contemplating.’ If anyone touched him he would start and look at one as though awakening and bewildered. It’s true he would come to himself immediately; but if he were asked what he had been thinking about, he would remember nothing. Yet probably he has, hidden within himself, the impression which had dominated him during the period of contemplation. Those impressions are dear to him and no doubt he hoards them imperceptibly, and even unconsciously. How and why, of course, he does not know either. He may suddenly, after hoarding impressions for many years, abandon everything and go off to Jerusalem on a pilgrimage for his soul’s salvation.”

这段描述让我感受到某种贫穷感,不是指生活层次的,而是精神欲展翅而无门的贫穷,抄出,于是喜欢。

第四卷的第七章写地很哀伤,据说写这部书的时候,作者的失去一个儿子,于是写出了这么哀伤的文字,也把全部的寄托与美好的想象寄托在小说主角阿廖沙身上。
这样章讲的是阿廖沙应卡捷琳娜•伊万诺芙娜(阿廖沙长兄德米特里的未婚妻)之请,前去上尉(曾被德米雷特痛打过一顿)家向上尉为打他之事代兄致歉,并送去200卢布。我读这一章里边的哀伤让我印象深刻。下面是上尉对阿廖沙说的话:

“他顿了一会儿,他的小嘴唇还在发颤,然后又说,‘爸爸,咱们这个城真不好,爸爸!’我说:‘是的,伊柳沙,咱们这个城不怎么样。’他说:‘爸爸,咱们搬到别的城里去吧,到没人知道我们的一个好城市去。’我说:‘咱们搬,咱们搬,——只要我们攒够了钱。’我很高兴有机会能把他从阴暗的念头引开,于是我和他开始幻想搬到另一个城市去。我们要买一匹马和一辆板车,让他妈妈和两个姐姐坐车,用蓬把她们遮起来,我们俩在旁边不行;偶尔也让他坐一阵子车,我在旁边步行,因为必须爱惜我们的马,不能让它太劳累了,就这样出发。伊柳沙听得高兴极了,特别欣赏他将有一辆自己的马车,自己也可以坐车。••••”

多么心碎的想象!

“Then he was silent and his lips still kept trembling. ‘Father,’ he said, ‘what a horrid town this is.’ ‘Yes, Ilusha,’ I said, ‘it isn’t a very nice town.’ ‘Father, let us move into another town, a nice one,’ he said, ‘where people don’t know about us.’ ‘We will move, we will, Ilusha,’ said Ionly I must save up for it.’ I was glad to be able to turn his mind from painful thoughts, and we began to dream of how we would move to another town, how we would buy a horse and cart. ‘We will put mamma and your sisters inside, we will cover them up and we’ll walk, you shall have a lift now and then, and I’ll walk beside, for we must take care of our horse, we can’t all ride. That’s how we’ll go. He was enchanted at that, most of all at the thought of having a horse and driving him.”
“这是前天晚上的事,可是昨晚情况又变了。早晨他又去了那所学校,回来时面色阴沉,阴沉得可怕。傍晚我拉着他的手出来散步,他一句话也不说。当时起了点儿风,太阳让云给遮住了,空气中已让人感到秋天的凉意,天色在暗下来。我们手拉手走着,爷儿俩心情都很郁闷。我说:‘孩子,咱们来商量一下搬家的事吧,’——-我想把他引到昨天的谈话上去。他不做声。只是我感到他的小手在我手中哆嗦了一下。唉,我心想这下糟了,又出事了。我们俩和现在一样走到这块大石头旁,我在石头上坐下。天空中放起了许多风筝,随风发出嗡嗡响和劈啪声,可以看到共有三十来挂。眼下正是放风筝的季节,您哪。我说:‘伊柳沙,咱们也该把去年的风筝拿出来放了。你把它藏哪儿了?我来修补一下。’这孩子仍不开口,眼睛看着别处,身体侧对我站着。这时忽然一阵风夹带着沙子呼啸而过……他一下子扑到我怀里,两只小手搂着我的脖子把我紧紧抱住。”

小孩子的拥抱,有时候觉得,那爱的美好比所有的痛苦加起来的重量还要大,可是,这里读着,怎么这样心酸~~

“That was the day before yesterday, in the evening, but last night everything was changed. He had gone to school in the morning, he came back depressed, terribly depressed. In the evening I took him by the hand and we went for a walk; he would not talk. There was a wind blowing and no sun, and a feeling of autumn; twilight was coming on. We walked along, both of us depressed. ‘Well, my boy,’ said I, ‘how about our setting off on our travels?’ I thought I might bring him back to our talk of the day before. He didn’t answer, but I felt his fingers trembling in my hand. Ah, I thought, it’s a bad job; there’s something fresh. We had reached the stone where we are now. I sat down on the stone. And in the air there were lots of kites flapping and whirling. There were as many as thirty in sight. Of course, it’s just the season for the kites.‘Look, Ilusha,’ said I, ‘it’s time we got out our last year’s kite again. I’ll mend it; where have you put it away?’ My boy made no answer. He looked away and turned sideways to me. And then a gust of wind blew up the sand. He suddenly fell on me, threw both his little arms round my neck and held me tight.”
“要知道,小孩子如果很少开口,自尊心又强,而且能憋住眼泪好久不哭,那么,当巨大的悲哀压得他实在憋不住的时候,一下子涌出来的就不是泪水,简直是一条条小河。他哗哗流下的热泪顿时把我的脸全弄湿了。他哭了起来,浑身发抖,像在抽风似的,使劲抱住坐在石头上的我。他抽噎着说:‘爸爸,爸爸,亲爱的爸爸,他太让你丢脸了!’于是我也哭了起来。我们俩抱在一起坐着发抖。他叫着爸爸,爸爸,我喊着伊柳沙,小伊柳沙!”
“You know, when children are silent and proud, and try to keep back their tears when they are in great trouble and suddenly break down, their tears fall in streams. With those warm streams of tears, he suddenly wetted my face. He sobbed and shook as though he were in convulsions, and squeezed up against me as I sat on the stone. ‘Father,’ he kept crying, ‘dear father, how he insulted you!’ And I sobbed too. We sat shaking in each other’s arms. ‘Ilusha,’ I said to him, ‘Ilusha, darling.’”

这些文字即使从小说里拿出来读,也让人觉得天空阴沉沉的。

最后,还要点一下题。

小说第五卷,哥哥伊万和阿廖沙的谈话也是读地使人惊心动魄的。这一卷里作者借伊万之口提出了很多问题,都是关乎宗教和灵魂的问题。伊万本身是个很矛盾的人,他向弟弟描述了人类的种种苦难和罪恶,拷问自我和人类的灵魂。他在第五卷第四章的末尾向弟弟这样发问:“我向你质问,回答我:你想象一下,你在建造一座人类命运的大厦,目的是最终让人们幸福,给他们和平与安宁,但为此目的必须而且不可避免地要摧残一个——总共只有一个小小的生命体,就算是那个用小拳头捶自己胸部的小女孩吧,用她的得不到补偿的眼泪为这座大厦奠基,你会不会同意在这样的条件下担任建筑师,告诉我,别撒谎!”
“Tell me yourself, I challenge your answer. Imagine that you are creating a fabric of human destiny with the object of making men happy in the end, giving them peace and rest at last, but that it was essential and inevitable to torture to death only one tiny creature—that baby beating its breast with its fist, for instance—and to found that edifice on its unavenged tears, would you consent to be the architect on those conditions? Tell me, and tell the truth.”

如今,这个所谓的“和谐”社会,当一切都向钱奔的时候,还有谁问,我们的眼泪是否能得到补偿呢?

伊万自己是这样回答的:
“我不要和谐,这是出于对人类的爱。我宁愿留在苦难得不到补偿的状态。我宁愿让我受的苦得不到补偿,我心中的愤怒得不到发泄,哪怕我并不正确。和谐的要价也太昂贵了,我们根本付不起进入那种状态的代价。”
“I would rather remain with my unavenged suffering and unsatisfied indignation, even if I were wrong. Besides, too high a price is asked for harmony; it’s beyond our means to pay so much to enter on it.”

可是,看看房价,想想工作,吃吃地沟油毒奶粉神马滴,现在的俺们,已是和谐抛弃的遗民!!

卡拉马佐夫兄弟